Gotta Catch 'Em All
by marcen12
Summary: Fillmore and Ingrid look for a black kid.
1. Gotta Catch 'Em All

Fillmore

Today's story: Gotta Catch 'em All

Act 1: Two Strikes, You're Out

At Vallejo's office, Vallejo, Fillmore and Ingrid are present

**Vallejo:** Fillmore! Ingird! Get your asses in here!

**Fillmore: **But, Chief, we are in...

**Vallejo: **One more word, Fillmore! Say one more word and I'll...

**Fillmore: **What? What will you do?

**Vallejo: **I'll screw your mother.

**Ingrid: **Fillmore doesn't have a mother.

**Vallejo: **Then I'll screw your father.

**Ingrid: **(shakes her head) Fillmore's black, Chief. He doesn't know who his father is.

**Vallejo: **Bitch, who said you can talk?

**Fillmore: **Alright. Stop this. Now what do you want with us Chief?

**Vallejo: **This is the most stunning case we have ever put forward.

**Ingrid: **Even more stunning than the body we found behind the school.

**Vallejo: **Ok, this is the second most stunning. The only black guy in the school is found missing.

**Fillmore: **Whoa. Wait a minute, white boy...

**Vallejo: **I'm Italian, dumbass.

**Fillmore: **What do you mean that he's is the only black guy in this school? I'm black too.

**Vallejo: **You? Black? (laughing) You're as white as Michael Jackson is on whole white bread with butter! You're as white as Ingrid!

**Ingrid:** This is only make-up...

**Vallejo: **Oh shut your white face, you emo bitch! (laughing harder) Fillmore, you're as white as an Englishman you just returned from France!

**Fillmore: **(shakes his head) Dawg. That doesn't even make any sense.

**Vallejo: **(sighs) I know. The writer for this fanfiction story doesn't know how to be racist.

**Ingrid: **So what kind of person are we dealing with here?

_Vallejo takes out a file from his desk and hands it to Fillmore and Ingrid._

**Vallejo: **This black guy has been missing for three days. His name is Cornelius Fillmore and...

**Fillmore: **Wait, dawg. I'm Fillmore. I'm right here. I ain't missing.

**Vallejo: **Sorry. All of you black folks look alike. His real name is Marvin. I want you guys to go and find him. Ingrid, you go search for clues...

**Ingrid: **What about the other case? You know, the one where we try to find out why O'Farrell committed suicide five minutes after the opening credits?

**Vallejo: **Isn't it obvious? You two were in the opening credits. Did you NOT see the stupid dance that he did on stage? That was a cry for help! What kind of moron would try to dance like that and not kill himself?

**Fillmore: **What's my part of the case?

**Vallejo: **Go undercover as a black guy.

**Fillmore:** That's not really going to be a problem. Considering that I am black!

**Vallejo: **stares at Fillmore for a few seconds and then bursts out laughing) OH GOD! REALLY? Now get out of here, you porchmonkey!

_Both Fillmore and Ingrid leave the office, with Fillmore furious._

**Ingrid: **He's just trying to get into your head, Fillmore.

**Fillmore: **But I want him in it. So deep...

**Ingrid:** No. Not that head. The one that carries your brain. (whispers to herself) That very small brain of yours.

**Fillmore: **(angry) Oh! It's because I'm black that I'm an idiot to you Asians.

**Ingrid: **But I'm not Asian.

**Fillmore: **What an Asian thing to say. I can't even understand you.

**Ingrid: **That's because you're black.

**Fillmore: **You're mad because O'Farrell is dead. Aren't you? You're taking it out on me so you wouldn't have to blame yourself.

**Ingrid: **(turns away from Fillmore and starts crying) He was my first partner.

**Fillmore:** Don't blame yourself. Blame that other Asian girl who works here. She taught him Dance Dance Revolution and he thought he could dance like an Asian. Well, Asians can't dance. He made a fool of himself onstage and everyone laughed. That was the last straw and that was it for him. He was drinking and he drove home but his eyes couldn't see... like an Asian's. And then he shot himself.

**Ingrid: **(stops crying) You're right, let's solve this case for the reversed Twinkie.

**Fillmore: **The what?

**Ingrid: **(turns to Fillmore) White on the outside, yellow on the inside.

**Fillmore: **How do we know them apart?

**Ingrid: **Reverse Twinkies can drive while regular Twinkies are on .

**Fillmore: **What about black people?

**Ingrid: **(chuckles and walks away) They don't count as people.

End of Act 1


	2. Chapter 2

Act 2: The Good, The Bad and the Black

_Fillmore and Ingrid are in front of a house._

**Ingrid: **According to the file on Marvin, he has a friend who he hangs out with after school. His name is Jimmy Dougfunny.

**Fillmore: **Let's go in. (rings the doorbell)

**Jimmy's mom: **(opens the door) Well, hello. Who are you people?

**Fillmore: **(whispers to Ingrid) Oh, God, she's racist. (talks to Jimmy's mom) My name is Waffle and this is my partner, Rice. We have a search warrant. We have the right to search this house for someone named Marvin, a black guy gone missing.

**Jimmy's mom: **Sorry, we don't let stereotypical black people in this house.

**Ingrid: **May we please search anyway? We have nothing better to do apparently.

**Jimmy's mom: **If it helps please you guys, go ahead.

**Fillmore: **Thank you. (him and Ingrid go inside the house) By the way, your house smells like semen.

A ten minute search later

**Jimmy's mom: **Well, did you find anything?

**Ingrid: **Nothing unusual. Only a tall white cloak and a long pointed white hoodie with a dead black guy in the closet.

**Jimmy's mom: **(looks at Fillmore) What about you, Chicken?

**Fillmore:** My name is Waffle.

**Jimmy's mom: **(shrugs) Whatever you colored folks want, its all the same to me.

**Fillmore: **And yes, I did find something. It was in the basement. Marvin was here. Tell me the truth! Marvin was here! Wasn't he!?

**Jimmy's mom: **(cries) Yes! My son's best friend is black and I didn't want anyone else to know! How did you know that Marvin was here?

**Fillmore: **There was a bass guitar in the basement. Only black people have bass guitars in their basement, not white people.

**Ingrid: **Good show, Waffle. (to Jimmy's mom) Do you know where Marvin and your son went?

**Jimmy's mom: **They always come here and go to the same place wherever Marvin wants to go first which is....

**Cashier: **Good afternoon! Welcome to KFC, the home of the fried chicken. How may I help you?

**Fillmore: **Yes. Have you seen a black guy in this restaurant?

**Cashier: **Look around you! The whole store is filled with black people. And I swear I saw Diddy or Daddy, or whatever he wants to call himself these days.

**Ingrid: **This certain black guy was with a white guy.

**Cashier: **Oh, yeah. They were talking about some eating contest they were going to. It's about five blocks from here. You guys better hurry because by now it's almost over.

**Random Person: **Black guy in the contest? Have I seen him? Oh, yeah! He won first place without breaking a sweat. The guy's been champion of this contest for eight straight years.

**Ingrid: **Too bad we missed him.

**Fillmore: **Do you know where he could've gone?

**Random Person: **Yep. Him and three white kids walked away to one of their houses. One of them was really ugly and was really chubby...

**Fillmore: **Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy?

**Ingrid: ** No, I know who he's talking about. Thanks for the help, Random Person.

**Fillmore: **One more question. What kind of contest was Marvin competing in anyway?

**Random Person: **Watermelon eating contest. I tell you, if he weren't the only black person in the contest, it could've been anyone's game. I've never seen someone who could eat so much watermelons and then down a whole keg on purple soda.

**Fillmore: **If I didn't know any better, I'd say that this fanfiction writer is racist.

**Ingrid: **Don't worry. He's a black guy. He doesn't count as a person.

**Fillmore: **Good call.So you know who this person is?

**Ingrid: **Yes. His name is Zee.

**Fillmore: **Don't you mean Zed...

**Ingrid:** No! We aren't doing Pulp Fiction again. Anyway, I know where he lives. Come on follow me.

**Fillmore: **I think we need disguises.

**Ingrid: **You're right. Let's split up and meet back here in front of the school starting at the next act. Find a disguise and make it fast. Because Marvin doesn't have much time.

**Fillmore: **Of course he doesn't. He's black.

**Ingrid: **Why do I get the feeling that Al Sharpton is going to do a huge speech relating this episode into one of his things?

**Fillmore: **Because he has something in common with us. We both have nothing better to do but find something that is the tiniest bit offensive and bitch about it.

**Ingrid: **Where's Bill Cosby when you need him?

End of Act 2


	3. Chapter 3

Act 3: Black Hot Chicken Fingers

In front of a house where Fillmore and Ingrid are wearing their disguises.

**Fillmore: **What the hell? Why are you wearing my disguise?

**Ingrid: **I didn't know you were going to wear a black suit, black pants and a black tie?

**Fillmore: **Well, I didn't know you like Pulp Fiction.

**Ingrid: **This is shameful promotion.

**(READER'S NOTE: **NO! THIS IS SHAMEFUL PROMOTION! INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS IS COMING TO THEATRES AUGUST 28 2009! COME SEE SOME NAZIS GET KILLED! IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE SO LAZY. YOU'RE READING THIS FANFICTION! But wait, I'm writing this instead of seeing that movie. Got to go!)

**Fillmore: **Let's go save Marvin. Then we're going to drive out of here.

**Ingrid: **Wait, you don't have your driver's license.

**Fillmore: **Technically, after our show got cancelled, we ACTUALLY age. We're about eighteen.

**Ingrid: **So, we're allowed to have guns?

**Fillmore: **I guess so...

**Ingrid: **(pulls out two pistols) Let's roll.

Inside the house

**Ingrid: **Fillmore. I hear a commotion in the basement.

**Fillmore: **(looks up at ceiling) Dawg. Look what I found. (reaches for ceiling and pulls down sword) Disco.

**Ingrid: **(sighs) Fillmore. You promised that if I stopped saying "Crackers", you'd stop saying "Disco".

**Fillmore: **But I feel that funk.

**Ingrid: **(muttering) More like you smell like the funk...

**Fillmore: **Let's move.

In the basement

**Ingrid: **The noise is coming from behind that door.

**Fillmore: (**steps in front of Ingrid) I'll go first.

**Ingrid: **Why?

**Fillmore: **Because black people always die first. Also, I have a sword in my hands. (opens the door)

**Ingrid: **I feel like I've seen this before. (looks around) Why is there a man in an S&M suit on a rope? And there are two guys tied up in chairs...

**Fillmore: **Oh, God! What are they doing to him? It's awful!

**Ingrid: **Are they killing him?

**Fillmore: **Worse. They're making him watch the latest Indiana Jones movie!

**Ingrid: **(throws up) Oh God! We have to save Marvin.

**Fillmore: **Right. I'll go in and save him. (gives her car keys) Start the car. You'll know which one it is.

**Ingrid: **God speak. (goes upstairs)

Fillmore slowly goes into the room with a sword. Marvin is crying while being forced to watch the movie while Jimmy and two other white people are laughing

**Marvin: **(crying) I thought you were my friend?

**Jimmy: **You're black. How could I be your friend? My friends are right here. Pete Wentz and Miley Cyrus.

"**Pete": **But that's not our names...

**Jimmy: **That is so your names.

"**Miley": **But I'm a guy...

**Jimmy: **And so is Miley Cyrus. Now that the movie is done, can one of you friends of mine make him watch Son of the Mask and get the video?

**Fillmore: **Sorry. They're not going to do anything for you anymore.

**Jimmy: **(scared) Pete! Miley! But...

**Fillmore: **They're dead. I killed them while you kept interrupting them in mid sentence. And now it's your turn. (raises sword to Jimmy)

**Jimmy: **NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

In Fillmore's car. Ingrid and Fillmore are in the front seats with Fillmore driving and Marvin is in the backseat.

**Fillmore: **I'm surprised you found my car.

**Ingrid: **It was the blackest car around the block. It said, "Pussy Wagon".

**Fillmore: **You know what I don't get? Why doesn't that girl at school like me?

**Ingrid: **(takes out a gun and looks at it) Maybe because you're black.

**Fillmore: **Maybe it's because I like violent movies or I have you as a best friend. Either way, that Asian girl is pretty sweet, dawg.

**Ingrid: **Hey, Marvin. What's your opinion?

**Marvin: **Yo, man. I don't even have an opinion.

**Ingrid: **(turns to Marvin) Well, you have to have an opinion. Why won't the girl that Fillmore likes...

Suddenly, the gun Ingrid has goes off right in Marvin's face, killing him instantly. Blood is all over the backseat and on Fillmore and Ingrid.

**Fillmore:** WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO!?

**Ingrid: **(shocked) I'm sorry. I guess we ran on a speed bump...

**Fillmore: **(furious) THERE WERE NO DAMN SPREED BUMPS ON THE ROAD!

**Ingrid: **Well, I'm sorry...

**Fillmore: **We got to get this car off the road. We're almost at the school. We have to ditch this car and explain what happened to Vallejo.

A car burning later at the school

**Vallejo: **I don't know what wrong with you two idiots. When you guys came to this school with that bloody car, did you see a sign that said, "Dead Negro Storage"?

**Fillmore: **Well, we assumed since what happened to 2pac...

**Vallejo: **Was there a sign that said, "Dead Negro Storage?"

**Fillmore: **No.

**Vallejo: **Wanna know why it doesn't say "Dead Negro Storage"? Because storing dead Negroes isn't MY FREAKING BUSINESS! Do you know what that bitch principal whatsherface is going to say that the missing person is dead? I'm not going to get suspended! Not fined! EXPELLED! I'M NOT IN THIS! YOU GUYS WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? MAKE SOME CALLS? WHATEVER IT IS, FIX THE DAMN SITUATION OR I'LL KILL YOU BOTH! (walks away)

**Ingrid: **He sure is pissed because some dead black guy is dead but I have an idea.

At the principal's office

**Ingrid: **Why do you look so upset? We found Marvin.

**Principal: **I'm not upset at you. I'm upset at the fact that this fanfiction writer doesn't know my name! Marvin, do you have a say in this?

"**Marvin": **No. Can I go now?

**Principal: **Yes. Although you do look familiar. But then again, you black people do look alike.

**Ingrid: **Come on, Marvin. (walks to front door with "Marvin" and closes it)

"**Marvin": **(actually Fillmore) I can't believe she fell for it.

**Ingrid: **(surprised) Sorry. I forgot Marvin was dead. You and him look so much alike. Because you're both black.

**Fillmore: **I'm just glad that I'm the only black guy in this school.

The school lights turn off.

**Ingrid: **Fillmore! Where are you? The End


End file.
